The Questions with Joe Schmidt: very funny man

Okay, first of all, if you are offended in any way by slightly off-color language, or the word boobs, I suggest you not read this entry for The Questions. However, if you do NOT read this post, you will miss a funny, erm, post.

Joe is a writer, illustrator, designer, and all-around funny dude. He also has the most adorable little girl you’ve ever seen. I just wanna peench her cheeks. (Seriously, visit his Facebook page… his profile pic features his lil’ miss. I suspect they are making those faces because the puma on his shirt might actually attack ‘em.)

Joe is working on his first book, Sugarballs, which one day in the near future (as soon as he finishes writing it) I get to edit! Woot! It’s a wildly hilarious look at Joe’s past relationships, childhood, cereal, boobs, and aliens. When it gets published, I know it will be a best-seller, and so y’all need to remember that I told you about it first.

And because I luuurve my readers (and Joe does too), here’s an exclusive, unedited excerpt from Sugarballs (PDF). (Note: this is chock full of really off-color language, so don’t read it if you’re easily offended. And if you read it, and I hope you do, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.)

The Questions

11. What three items will always be found in your refrigerator?

Low-fat milk, yogurt, and cheese. The other items when combined will help you locate the Well of Souls.

Raiders of The Lost Ark reference for the win.

(dSavannah note: I don’t know if it’s a win exactly. My first experience with said movie involved some stupid guy at church, who, in retrospect, probably meant this to impress me, but he basically told me every. single. thing. that happened. Color me NOT impressed. Yet, I still remember this boy cornering me, oh, almost 30 years ago.)

22. Would you rather be lost in the forest, the desert, the ocean, or deep space?

The forest hands down. I would be lost, but I would also find those Gawd damn Keebler elves and force them to feed me cookies. Otherwise, I burn their tree house to… the… ground.

26. I wish I was rich enough to__________?

Pay Ann Coulter to shut the @#$% up. Or at least until I finish my Death-Ray.

(dSavannah note: I could totally use a Death-Ray too. Not necessarily for Ann Coulter, but, there are definitely some people I’d like to use it on.)

24. If you could go back and give your 13-year-old self a piece of advice, what would it be?

Buy Apple stock. Also, make sure to REALLY hide your porn. Under your bed is the first place she’ll look.

19. What is one of your pet peeves?

Candidates for government that coin the phrase “legitimate rape”.

28. Lara Croft or Wonder Woman? Why?

Lara Croft. I can try to dodge bullets, but a lasso and a really pissed-off Amazon who can fly? No way.

20. When did you know you wanted to be a writer/artist?

Junior year, I started writing short stories and then let anyone that wanted to read them. The first time someone told me what I wrote was good I was so excited—it was this girl I really liked at the time and she had really big… *ahem* what I mean is I learned to appreciate the fact that my writing struck… boobs. *snicker*

Joe sez:

Joe SchmidtWhat I create: I write, illustrate, design, and blow minds. The genre for my writing is horror and noire. I’ve been illustrating and self-publishing comic strips for awhile, and graduated with a degree in Graphic Design in 2009. I studied extensively with a Zen Buddhist monk in the Himalayas to acquire the ability to blow minds.

(dSavannah note: Joe also included this as his bio.) Magic-man, cartoonist, consumer of pop culture, rodeo clown, destroyer of worlds, graphic designer, video game junkie, lover not a fighter, and your church’s worst nightmare.

Find Joe: