#dSavannahDefects – D is for…

… depression

I suffer from depression. It is a liar, that depression, but its words ring true. It is a dark hole I find myself in, a hole that I often have a difficult time escaping. It is a heavy weight on my chest. It is the words ‘you’re worthless’ whispered to me in the dark, in the daylight. It is the feeling of intense lethargy, of being unable to move, nor really wanting to.

Depression goes far beyond being sad about something. It is sadness times 1,000. Times a million.

It doesn’t make logical sense, the depression. It can look at all the great things in your life and dismiss them. Tell you that you don’t deserve them. That it’s a fluke you have them. That you could lose them all at any minute. And when something bad happens, the depression whispers “I told you so.”

And when you pair anxiety with depression (and I have both), you simultaneously feel like you need to do all the things, yet don’t have the energy to do them.

Here’s a great quote, attributed to Stephen Fry:

If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.

Indeed.

… doctors

In my quest for health, I have seen quite a few doctors.

Every time I visit a doctor’s office, I end up tweeting about what a trial it is to wait there. Almost without fail, the waiting room has a TV turned up incredibly loud (which gives me a headache). In one case, the waiting room was quite small, quite full, and quite smelly (another headache).

Worst of all it, of course, is the fact that I have to wait AT. ALL. (Also, it ramps up my anxiety. Fun.) Even if I take a book, even if I have a magazine, and even with my phone, it’s STILL. WAITING. Which I hate. I hate all the time it wastes. And lately, I’m wasting a hella lot of time waiting, trying to find out what’s wrong with me. Not to mention my anxiety means I can’t focus on the book I’m trying to read.

Some doctors are, at best, indifferent. Some don’t listen. Some don’t care. Some only look at the numbers from blood tests and the like, and if they show nothing, they dismiss you and your issues.

In the past three years, I’ve seen:

1. holistic and integrative medical doctor (my main provider, and they are awesome! but they don’t take insurance, and I don’t blame them, but all my care has to be paid for. By me. Thank goddess for credit cards.)
2. rheumatologist (diagnosed me, then never responded to further questions)
3. chiropractor (also awesome. He even won an Atlanta magazine award! He gives me great care, AND takes insurance. He’s helping me regain my shoulder mobility, that all that physical therapy and other treatment didn’t touch. I just wish he wasn’t a 45-minute drive away. But still. worth. it. And he NEVER makes me wait.)
4. acupuncturists (two; the first one beat me up and didn’t help; second one seems to be helping)
5. dentist
6. oral surgeon (need my wisdom teeth out. What?)
7. gynecologist (gotta get the girls checked…)
8. pain management specialist (to get my pain medication; they also did some procedures to help my pain, but I can’t have any more, thanks to my lidocaine toxicity, which I discovered during a pain procedure!)
9. orthopedic doctor (said she couldn’t help me)
10. gastroenterologist (all is well with my guts)
11. ENT (smart, and crazy. And wouldn’t listen to me. NOT going back)
12. physical therapist (three providers; would go back to one, but can’t afford co-pay)
13. massage therapist (if only I could go see her more often…)
14. rieki practitioner
15. psychologist (liked him fine, but he was too far away for me to drive since my anxiety has decided that over 5 miles from home is too far)
16. eye doctor (sadly, had to get trifocals and start using glaucoma drops!)
17. eye surgeon (follow up on my LASIK surgery in 2001. Best. Money. I ever spent)
18. life coach (who was awesome, but moved away)
19. counselor (same; too far away)
20. family doctor (ya know, a general practitioner; dismissed me and my issues)
21. endocrinologist (wanted me to have a particular study done; couldn’t be bothered to write the orders so I could have them done last year and fully covered by insurance)
22. neurologist (diagnosed me with nerve damage in my spine and sent me to spine surgeon)
23. spinal surgeon (who doesn’t think surgery can help, but maybe…)
24. mental therapist (just started seeing this year, but I like her and her approach with me.)
25. psychiatrist (LOVE HER. She writes my meds. And I only get 15 minutes with her. NOT enough!)
26. psychotherapist (awful. AWFUL. Went once and never again.)
27. allergist (won’t even test me for lidocaine allergy based on my symptoms when I had the toxic reaction. Makes getting them wisdom teeth out a big issue…)
28. health coach (I like her too, but the calls are only 20 minutes long! That’s hardly enough time to say “hello”! But it’s free through hubs’ insurance, and I need all the help I can get.)
29. consultative physician
30. consultative psychotherapist

Yes, seeing all these doctors and providers wears me out.

But I’m not giving up. If I can’t get answers from one, or if they don’t give me what I need, I don’t go back. I move on to the next doctor.

And you should too. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Doctors do NOT know everything. They can be jerks. Don’t be afraid to write a bad review if they don’t help you, or dismiss your concerns, or don’t listen, and to report them to your insurance company. Don’t be afraid to NOT GO BACK.

Is it a pain in the butt? You bet. But your health is worth the trouble.

…Discworld

Me in my favorite t-shirt: starry, starry Discworld.

And now for a defection! If you know me at all (and hopefully, most of you don’t; you’re stopping by for #AtoZchallenge, and welcome to my Rambling), you know that one of my Very Favorite Authors in the world is Terry Pratchett, taken from us too soon just last year. The space he created is called Discworld, which is just like Earth (roundworld), only funnier.

Discworld is a flat disc on top of four elephants that ride on top of a giant, space-faring turtle (named The Great A’Tuin). Of course.

(Aside: my pet turtle is named Jilly A’Tuin, after Sir Terry’s turtle, and a character by Charles de Lint, my other Very Favorite Author.)

The Discworld has its own language, which only other Discworldians get. Like “ook” and “L-Space” and “what duck?” and “millennium hand and shrimp” and “buggrit” and “ach! crivens”.

Negatives: If you read these books in public, you’ll probably laugh out loud, and get funny looks.

It’s not “real”. You can’t actually travel there in the flesh.

The Creator is gone. So there will be no more books by him.

Positives: Terry Pratchett has written a whole bunch of books in this series. If you’ve never read one, you get to start anywhere and have a whole bunch of new books to read.

Funny. Like, seriously funny.

Every book is better than the last.

Sir Terry (yes, he was knighted by the Queen, and he forged his own sword!) has skewered everything: racism, sexism, war, banks, newspapers, rich people, cops, myths, etc.

The fandom is awesome and amazing. I have made friends all over the world because of Discworld and Terry Pratchett.

In honor of today’s defection to Discworld, I am giving away three Discworld books by Terry Pratchett to US readers: Wee Free Men, A Hat Full of Sky, and Wintersmith. (I’m not being entirely altruistic; I was just able to get them in hardback and so thought I’d give away my paperback copies. They are all used, but lovingly used and read by me!) Just follow the instructions below to enter, and good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

*fine print: Win a paperback copy of “The Wee Free Men”, a paperback copy of “A Hat Full of Sky”, or a trade paperback copy of “Wintersmith”. All books by Terry Pratchett. Note: these books are used – each one lovingly read by me. Each book will go to a different winner. US only, sorry. Winner will be randomly picked by rafflecopter. I will ship the books via Media Mail within three days of announcing the winners. Contest ends with the end of the #AtoZChallenge2016 on Saturday, April 30, 2016 at midnight (EST). Winner will be notified by Wednesday, May 4, 2016, no later than 5pm EST. If you have any additional questions – feel free to send me an email!  And THANKS for playing!  🙂