#dSavannahDefects – C is for…

… child abuse

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, and I am a child abuse survivor, so it’s only fitting I include this topic in my theme of dSavannah Defects.

You may think that child abuse doesn’t happen any more, but it does. Often. All the time.

And you may think that child abuse is perpetrated by strangers. But it’s not. More often than not, children are abused by people they know well: family members, neighbors, church friends. It can range from neglect to beatings to verbal abuse to sexual assault. And no matter its “type”, it is devastating and hurtful and causes long-term problems.

Goddess, but this is difficult to write about.

Child abuse is often perpetrated by victims. It cycles through generations. I personally chose to end the cycle of child abuse by not having children. Others break it by consciously deciding NOT to be a child abuser.

Interestingly enough, the first Federal Legislation covering child abuse didn’t go on the books until 1974 (when I was three). The CAPTA act (Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act) provides minimum standards for child maltreatment definitions.

Did I mention this was difficult to write about? I’m trying to read through the information on the official site, and it all rings hollow to me. My throat is closing up, and my eyes are watering. But because I vowed to Shine a Light into the Dark Places, here I am.

My father was abused as a child, and he then went on to abuse his own family. We walked on eggshells around him, never knowing when he might explode into rage. Or beat us. Or break things. Or bring us presents. Or scream and yell.

Baby dSavannah being held by my dad. Clearly, he was in love with me.

He told me he never wanted me. Yeah, that has stuck with me, even through years of therapy and work and photos that PROVE he wanted me.

I often felt like nothing I did was good enough, which manifests now in the drive to be perfect, which is NOT attainable, especially not with all my illnesses.

I tried to be invisible, and sometimes succeeded. This manifests in my life now – if there’s a problem, or I feel like I’m being attacked in any way, I shut down. I can’t process, or communicate.

We didn’t know it, not until much later, but my dad has bipolar disease. (So did his brother. So did their dad. So do some cousins.) (Being diagnosed with “just” depression, anxiety, and PTSD was like a gift. A wonderful gift. That I didn’t have the horrible disease that my father suffered, then inflicted on his family.)

But we also weren’t allowed to speak about what was going on at home.

So, now I’m speaking. I’m speaking, best I can, my truth. Even tho the telling hurts.

For tips and more information about child abuse, please click the button:

… coping

It is tough, really really tough, to have all kinds of health problems, both physical and mental. If you have them, you also have to develop coping strategies.

Obviously, everyone copes with stress or illness in different ways. And there is no ‘one size fits all’ in terms of coping. For some, meditation and deep breathing can do wonders. For me and a couple friends, those actually ramp up our anxiety, because they are triggers to past, traumatic events in our lives.

Here are five coping strategies that help me, and may be of use to you as well:

• Exercise. I know, this one sucks. And it’s difficult. First of all, if you’re depressed or you’re in severe pain, the absolutely last thing you want to do is exercise. But, study after scientific study – as well as my personal experience – has shown that exercise can help mood, pain, etc.  This article details some good exercises for chronic pain.

The less you move, the more difficult it is for you to move, and the more atrophied your muscles get. The more your muscles get stuck in places where they probably shouldn’t be.

I try to do stretches every single day. I stand up, then touch my toes. I reach my arms up as far as I can (not that far these days, what with my frozen shoulder and rotator cuff injuries). I move my hands down my legs as far as I can in side-bends. I lift my knees up. I lay on the floor and do sit-ups.

And, if I’m in a store, I walk around that store. It may wear me out, and I may be slow, but I walk anyway. A friend of mine tried to get me to use one of the motorized carts, but I refuse. Not because I’m too proud, but because I believe in the maxim “use it or lose it”, and I don’t want to lose any more than I’ve already gotten.

• Journaling: this is really important for my mental health. A lot of times I can scribble out my frustrations for the day, and then let them go. For people who are afraid of messing up a pretty journal, just get a cheapy notebook at the dollar store, and just write. Express yourself, and most importantly, don’t censor yourself.

If you’re afraid of someone finding what you’re written, you can actually burn the words. This is a good coping strategy for anger at someone or something. Write the person a letter, letting them have it. Express how much you can’t stand them, or how they hurt you, or whatever. Read it three days in a row, then on the third day, burn the letter. It’s terribly cathartic.

• Coloring: adult coloring books are all the rage right now, but I’ve been coloring for LOOOOOooooong before it was an accepted thing. Get a kids coloring book, or an adult coloring book… there are a wealth of options out there, from fairies to curse words to less controversial subjects like animals and flowers… and just color. I find that coloring gets you out of your headspace, and into the joy of just … coloring. Creating. Making something pretty (or ugly; your choice!).

• Anger work: Okay, let’s face it. There are times you just are angry and want to scream. So… scream! Get a pillow and punch the heck out of it. Get a hammer and take a walk in the woods and beat the crap out of a bit of ground with the hammer.

My hubs got me this most awesome little present: a gibbon monkey that screams when you press his belly. He named him Billy Gibbons. (If you don’t know who that is, then that won’t be funny. If you do, then you’ll find it hilarious.)  A lot of times, squeezing Billy’s belly can help me release a lot of frustration.

Are there any coping strategies that help y’all deal with the stresses of life? Feel free to share!

… costochondritis 

Another of my super-fun diagnoses/issues is costochondritis. Haven’t heard of it? Don’t worry. Neither had I, until my rheumatologist told me that was the name of what I experience. What I have been experiencing for a number of years. I’ve had it for at least six or seven years.

What it feels like: It feels like my ribs have come out of socket. In fact, my former chiropractor would move the ribs back into socket, and that would help … for a bit. Once, after being frustrated with the continued pain, I asked him if there wasn’t anything he could do to make it stop. He replied sarcastically, “let me just get some baling wire and twine.” LOL

It causes me great pain, an almost-constant ache in my chest. I often walk around practically feeling myself up to try to ease the ache.

It especially hurts if I breathe deeply, or sneeze. It really hurts when I sneeze. I had a physical therapist tell me to just hold my chest when I sneeze. Really? Really?!?!? That’s your answer? 1) I do that already and 2) I never went back to him.

What it is: technically, inflammation of the chest wall, of the cartilage that connects a rib to the breastbone. It can feel like a heart attack.

Treatment: this is fun. There really isn’t one. Laying off foods that are known to cause inflammation (dairy – I drink almond milk, but can’t stay away from ice cream; sugar – can’t stay away from dark chocolate!; grains – easy, since I’m also gluten intolerant; bad fats).

My chiropractor does some fun moves to ease the ache, and just taught hubs a new one – having me lie down on the bed and then using a pillowcase to lift my head and pull it gently away from my body to allow those muscles to stretch.