So, lots of people have been raped. But what can we do about it? How can we stop this epidemic of abuse against women, and also men, and children?
Here are Mhairi Simpson’s ideas about it, a follow up to her post Thoughts on rape, seven years later. In it, she says we need to include men in the discussion. She also says “They need to understand that women just want to be able to go about their daily lives in peace, without worrying if the next guy that gets in their face on some pathetic pretext will be the one who takes it further.” And she’s absolutely right.
My thoughts: first, we need to actually talk about it. We need to say that it happens. We need open and frank discussion on the topic. Only be doing this can we remove the stigma of rape.
Rape needs to be on the news. You know why it’s not, unless it’s a serial rapist? Because it’s so commonplace that it’s not considered “newsworthy”. And, so many victims are ashamed and feel like they can’t talk about it. Or that the perpetrator will harm them if they say anything. Or that they won’t be believed, by the authorities or anyone else.
For instance, a friend of mine said her rapist was a preacher’s son. And that she’d been drinking. So, she figured no one would believe her. That she’d been asking for it. Meanwhile, that guy is probably still out there, committing crimes against women.
Second, we need to be educated, all of us. We must teach our sons and our daughters about sex and sexual activity and what’s acceptable and what’s not. And that a rapist isn’t necessarily the creepy dude you see on the corner. It can be a neighbor, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, someone in your church or at work.
We should teach our sons that it’s flat-out WRONG to force themselves on someone, in any way, and that even if a girl is drunk or high or otherwise incapacitated, it’s not an invitation. That any form of harassment is wrong. To respect women and each other.
As my friend Krista commented: “To quote Mary Pipher, the author of Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, ‘There is something eerie about teaching our daughters to fight off rapists and kidnappers. We need classes that teach men not to rape and hurt women.’ I also add ‘and children’ to that quote.”
We should teach our daughters to speak up and say no, and how to protect themselves. If nothing else, to carry mace and not be afraid to use it. And that if something does happen, it’s not their fault.
Our daughters need to be confident in themselves and not feel like they have to have sex just to be loved or desired or wanted or popular. (That was my problem as a high-schooler. I had no confidence and no idea how to take care of myself, and just wanted to be accepted and loved. Plus, my sex education had consisted of a pamphlet, and nothing else.)
We should teach our sons and our daughters to speak up if it happens to them, regardless of what the rapist told them, or their status in the community, or possible repercussions.
We need to speak out if we see something happening… and not expect someone else to do something. Even if it’s simple harassment, or name-calling. Standing by idly means we’re just as culpable.
Third, we need to support organizations that help rape victims. Most of those nonprofits are understaffed and underfunded. If you can’t give money, volunteer, in whatever capacity you can. Here in my corner of Arkansas, there’s the Ozark Rape Crisis Center. Nationally, there’s the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, which has links to local crisis centers.
Watch Searching for Angela Shelton. Filmmaker Angela Shelton set out on a journey to meet every other Angela Shelton in America. What she discovered was that 24 out of 40 Angela Sheltons she spoke to had been raped, beaten or molested just like she was. The site and movie is an homage to courage, and speaking out. You can purchase the movie on Amazon.
Help get the word that rape is not acceptable. If you learn a friend ~ or even a passing acquaintance ~ has been raped, just listen. Be there for them. Send them a card that says ‘I’m thinking of you’. Don’t judge them. Don’t secretly think ‘they must have caused it to happen’. And never ever say such a thing, to anyone.
Every single one of us need to say NO to rape. And shine the light of truth on it.
Maybe it is also some little things that each of us as parents can do. I look at my son and am glad that I am teaching him the manners my mom and older sister taught me. You open doors for women, let them go first at a water fountain, help them with heavy loads and those basics. Outreach programs often feel like an admission of defeat (that isn’t meant to be demeaning to those import programs) – as if all that society has left us is a more aggressive resistance. Somewhere along all the brutality on TV (especially the staged reality shows) and in our video games we have become able to accept violence, so we focus on dealing with the consequences. I think we need to start earlier. We need each take personal responsibility to not let women or children feel threatened when they are within our span of reach. I don’t want to censure the airwaves, that genie is already out of the bottle. What I do want to assure is that my kids know the difference between what they see, even if it professes to be reality, and what it real. This is hard and difficult, but no one said parenting was easy. Rant over.
jlg
I was actually going to say the exact same thing. Once it’s happened, it’s too late. We need to stop it from happening, and that means taking education to the boys, not just the girls. It is NOT a girl’s responsibility to prevent herself from being raped. It is a boy’s responsibility to NOT do it. This is the change that needs to happen in society. The onus is currently on the woman, like it’s her fault in some way, and that is total bulls*&$. The onus should be on the male – he’s the one in control.
Which brings me to another point. The crux of the issue is that rape isn’t actually about sex. It’s about power. Guys who rape do it so that they can feel in control. I don’t know what the answer is, but they need to be taught that self-control is more important than control of others. In all honesty, I believe such an attitude would do away with about 95% of violent crime. Maybe 100%, who knows?
YES! absolutely. We need to start early, educating our sons and our daughters. And by we, I mean, the parents. Then, if it happens, we need to make sure the victim knows they can get help. You are both spot on. Thanks for reading and your comments.