{"id":4180,"date":"2015-06-11T09:28:27","date_gmt":"2015-06-11T13:28:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dsavannah.com\/blog\/?p=4180"},"modified":"2015-06-11T09:28:27","modified_gmt":"2015-06-11T13:28:27","slug":"yet-another-sleepless-night","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dsavannah.com\/blog\/index.php\/yet-another-sleepless-night\/","title":{"rendered":"Yet another sleepless night…"},"content":{"rendered":"

This sucks. This really really<\/em> sucks.<\/p>\n

This is making me insane. Insaner. More insane.<\/p>\n

What is *this*? It’s my health. Specifically, my inability to sleep. And most specifically, my back. My back which feels like a migraine, or a tornado, or a cyclone, or some other horrible act of nature has taken up residence and refuses to leave. Not for nothing. Not for a $70 prescription pain cream, not for 1\/2 a tube of $8 arnica, not for $45 prescription pain meds, or OTC pain pills, or heavy duty prescription painkillers. Not for epsom salt baths, or massages from hubs (tho they knock it back a bit), or visits to the chiropractor (ditto; but I can’t afford to go see him every day).<\/p>\n

I’ve now had X-rays done, and an MRI (183 images!). And what do they show? My wacky scoliosis bends, which I already knew about, and could<\/em> have been treated when I was 15, if only I’d been treated. But I wasn’t. They show arthritis, and minimal bulging of some of the discs, and mild degenerative disease. Nothing to explain the severe pain I’m having. (I’d show you an MRI image, but my Mac can’t read it, and the one computer we have that can, doesn’t have screenshot software.)<\/p>\n

The back pain leads to insomnia, which also leads to insanity. Trust me, I know. And I’ve tried everything for that too. (The insomnia.) (Well, the insanity too, for that matter.) I’ll lay in bed for hours, literally hours<\/em>, until I just can’t stand to lay there anymore, awake. So I’ll get up, and putter on FB, or try to read, or (more likely) cry. And then I’ll be up for 24 or 36 hours, and begin to suffer sleep deprivation.<\/p>\n

Sleep deprivation is a strange, strange thing. For me, I start feeling woozy. My limbs feel disconnected. I feel nauseous. My eyeballs feel dry. Everything is either too loud and too close, or too quiet and too far away.<\/p>\n

And the best part? Even beyond exhausted and sleep deprived…. I still can’t fall asleep! Until my body just can’t stay up anymore, and I crash for 24 hours. Totally against doctor’s orders, which are to try to get back on a normal sleep schedule, but I can’t seem to, no matter what I do.<\/p>\n

Vicious cycle. And I’m tired. I’m sick and tired of being. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.<\/p>\n

In “good” news, a few things have changed since I wrote my “damaged<\/a>” post. My new doctor is great. They listen, they respond to questions, they aren’t dismissing me because the MRI doesn’t show anything acute. They will work with me until we figure it out.<\/p>\n

Thanks to them, at least I now know what is wrong with the rest of me: in addition to everything else, I have chronic Epstein Barr (EBV) virus, adrenal fatigue, and some nutritional deficiencies, as well as genetic abnormalities. (Thankfully, not Lyme, not thyroid.)<\/p>\n

The EBV is so bad, my numbers are way off the charts: on two tests, the normal range is 0-18, and my numbers are 127 and 480! No wonder I’m tired and hurt all the time! (EBV is a cousin to mono, which I’ve never had, as far as I know.) I’m now taking some new medications and supplements. Which are helping, some, but I still don’t know how I’ll physically feel from day to day.<\/p>\n

\"The

The storm on my wedding day.<\/p><\/div>\n

Mentally? I’m low. I’m down. Doing even the smallest activity – like a load of laundry – wears me out, which makes me feel worthless, which feeds the dark cloud of depression that’s following me around. I mean, I’ve been paying my own way since I was 14 years old, and I can’t even sweep or clean dishes? It’s really really<\/em> difficult to separate me from my body, from my health. It’s really really <\/em>easy to fall into the “I can’t sleep like a normal human being ohmygodwhatswrongwithme” mentality. And stay there. Even tho it’s just my physical self that is broken. (Okay, yeah, my mental too, but that’s a separate issue.)<\/p>\n

Since I can’t seem to find something uplifting to write to end this post, I’ll leave you with what my friend Phyllis sent me (who has health issues and pain of her own):<\/p>\n

Instead of “being sick and tired of being,” accept that this is your reality. Do not let the pain keep you from being you, keep you from enjoying all that you can enjoy, keep you from celebrating all that you can do despite the pain.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I may not be happy with this new reality, but I’ll try accept it. As for being me? Everyone else is taken. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

\n

Thanks to everyone who has donated thus far to my gofundme<\/a> campaign, or shared it. It helps ease my depression\/anxiety over money.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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