So this is embarrassing…

Since best practices say you should have photos for your blog posts, and no one wants to see photos of me crying, I'm including photos of my pets. This is my turtle, Jilly A'Tuin.

Since best practices say you should have photos for your blog posts, and no one wants to see photos of me crying, I’m including photos of my pets.
This is my turtle, Jilly A’Tuin.

Obviously I haven’t written anything on my blog for a long, long time. (Except in my head… But since brainwave to blog technology doesn’t exist yet, I guess it doesn’t count…) For reasons, mostly my health. And pain. And brain fog.

But, mainly, last August I got a temporary, part-time, work-from-home job. The pay was terrible, but it was something, which was better than what I’d been making before, which was zero. And it was totally something I could do, having done it before, and also generally liking the basic concept of the job. (And yes, I’m being vague about it.)

Unfortunately, every ounce of energy I had, and every spoon I possessed (and then some), went toward me doing this job. (Even a healthy person would have needed to spend a great deal of time to successfully complete the job requirements.) (And, with me not even being in the same region of healthy, well…)

Then of course there was the entire day I spent in the hospital (mostly waiting) to get my wisdom teeth taken out. Cuz I’m “special” and couldn’t have it done like a normal person – mine had to be done as surgery. (Tho the drugs they gave me were mighty fine…) And then the two weeks recovery time where I could do literally nothing but eat smoothies and sleep…

All that meant I got behind on a lot A LOT of things. Like blogging. And filing. And creating (not that my Sick Person pain-filled hands go for that…) And writing reviews. (I think I’ve “caught up” to “only” 14 books I still need to review.) (And even tho I say I don’t do so, I just accepted three more books for review. Because. Book whore. Plus, ones I really want to read…) And other stuff I can’t even think of.

Cricket, aka "Little Brown Kitty".

Cricket, aka “Little Brown Kitty”.

And my WordPress needed an update… It literally would not let me do a single thing until I got the update. But some permission on some random, coding file I can’t even access got changed on my web hosting server, which meant the update would not work.

And being a Sick Person, it took me forever to get the energy to contact my hoster to ask for it to be fixed – tho once I asked, they did it pronto. (Hooray!)

Thankfully, the update means I can actually use the WordPress app on my tablet to write my post, then format and publish on my computer†.  So, that’s a bit of a win for me….

Except, to make my embarrassment complete, a new post I was just writing on my tablet, an amazingly terrible rough first draft, just got published due to sleep deprivation of the operator, and sent to all three of my email followers. * expletive!!! expletive!!!! *  (I unpublished it right away, so it’s not on my site, but fubar!) (And yes, an early version of this particular post got published too. * expletive *.)

The only things I did besides my job (according to my planner, in which I write everything, because I totally can’t remember anything) are:

  • go to many, many doctors appointments (which I don’t feel like counting; just trust me, it’s a LOT);
  • organize and make sure the bills got paid every month (usually late, but not “too” late);
  • sleep, or more often, try unsuccessfully to sleep;
  • fight headaches and migraines and pain flares;
  • cry, cry, sob, cry (due to both mental and physical pain, and the insomnia);
  • maybe once a month go shopping for necessities;
  • fight with insurance and doctors over treatment and payments;
  • fight anxiety and depression;
  • and change the kitty litter.

And then there was Christmas Eve, which is when I finally got around to wrapping ALL presents (even the ones to be mailed) and writing out ALL cards …. (And here I used to be the girl who not only got everything done early, I also handmade all my cards…)

Princess Maggie.

Princess Maggie.

And just to make my life even more completely shitty, my (five-year old) computer has decided to slow to dial-up modem days, which is incredibly frustrating, I can’t even tell you, to finally get the energy and brain power to do some work, and I sit at my desk in my scoliosis brace and lumbar brace and wrist braces…. Just watching the wheel of slow death. Unable to do anything. As my spoons dissolve into nothing. (†Which makes me even more thankful I can write my first draft on my tablet. Presuming I don’t hit publish before it’s ready.) (Which, in my defense, it appears that the “save” button in the app sometimes changes to “publish” for no discernible reason.)

Did I do anything fun since I last wrote? Not much, tho one weekend my Twinkie and her family came to see us – they had a wedding to attend in our state. And it was super-fabulous to see them.

And that one time I saw on Facebook that a good friend from Arizona was in town for a conference and I messaged her and we got to have lunch and take her to a favorite bookstore.

Oh and I got to see a funny play a couple friends were in – Lend Me a Tenor.  (And they gave us the tickets. Even better!)

And, I found an outlet store that carries a ton of books… (Not really a good idea, considering my inability to concentrate, and also the fact that if it fell on me, my TBR pile would smoosh me flat…) (But in my defense, lots of the books I purchased were presents for friends.)

Piper, or the lovingest kitty ever

Piper, or the lovingest kitty ever.

Obviously, the job was a big part of the problem…. Another huge part is I’m having terrible memory issues (thanks Fibro Fog!). I completely forget I’ve said I’d do something. (Never mind the thousands of lists I have everywhere…)

I’m totally ashamed to admit it, but I’ve turned into that person who promises to do something, and never does. I soooo hate that new thing about myself. (And yes, even with cognitive issues, I can’t just publish a blog post until I deem it as perfect as it can be… ugh. Perfectionism rearing its head.)

And roll around to 2017 (yeah, and it’s almost 1/4 of the way through! Sheesh!)…. My employer didn’t hire me again (without so much as a ‘no thank you’, either), throwing me into a depression and of course making me completely broke (this is not an exaggeration. I’m pretty sure I had more money when I was 14 and my source of income was babysitting at like $1 an hour)….

And I’ve been trying to catch up on everything I didn’t do while employed… the chaos in my office took quite a bit of energy to conquer (as if I’m anywhere near done. Hahahhhahhahaaa)

To those of you who haven’t forgotten about me, even after my long absence, thank you.

And a super-huge thank you if you read all of the above.

I am 1,000% certain I’ll never turn into one of those bloggers who publish every day (And I feel terrible that many of the ones I subscribe to go unread… I just get so overwhelmed….) (And I wonder – how in the Zanzibar do they even manage!?!!), but I’ll try to do a little lot better than every six months.

More ramblings / other posts you might want to read...


About dSavannah

~ #disabled #spoonie fighting numerous, chronic, painful #InvisibleIllnesses ~ also #wife #feminist #ally #advocate #papyrophiliac #DogCatTurtleWrangler
This entry was posted in #dSavannahDefects, depression, hard work, health, hell, illness, memory, mental illness. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to So this is embarrassing…

  1. mirymom says:

    So glad to see you posting! And that you’re doing your best to take care of you, not an easy task under any circumstances. @mirymom1 from
    Balancing Act

  2. Rebecca says:

    So basically you’ve just told us how you have been showing up on the daily to fight for your life, for room to breathe and be, like a total badass – Boadicea or Joan of Arc style.

    I see you, you tenacious, earnest, determined, beautiful soul.

    “…and yet, she persisted.” <3

  3. Betsy says:

    Love seeing you able to post. You are hanging in! We love ya. I am glad to see all the pics of your girls.

  4. No need to apologize. And thank you for visiting me (more than once) during A to Z.

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