#dSavannahDefects – X is for…

My theme this year for the #AtoZchallenge is #dSavannahDefects, aka “What’s it’s like dealing with #InvisibleIllnesses”. Or, in short, {some of} what’s wrong with me. Down to our last letters! Whew!


X … X-tras

So, yeah. I’m kinda cheating on today’s letter, but that’s my prerogative as a writer. And blogger.

So today is for “x-tras” that didn’t make it into other posts, for whatever reason. (Either I thought of it later, or I was tired that day, or whatever. Or it’s appropriate for today.)

A lot of topics fit within my theme, but I didn’t get around to writing about them. I gotta be honest. This writing every day like this and answering comments is tiring. And I stopped visiting other blogs and tweeting them around “I” (midway), not because they were not worthy, but because I’m just tired. (And remember, in my world of #InvisibleIllness, tired means fatigue times a million.)

… #InvisibleIllness

Here is a perfect example of what #InvisibleIllness is like.

I was having a lovely chat with my sister-in-law, and somehow the talk turned to fun side effects that have to do with getting older as a female. I told her I had this {embarrassing thing that starts to happen to women of a certain age} and she said “But you don’t have {that embarrassing thing}!”

And I said, “Oh, yes, I do. I just {do something} about it!”

And that’s exactly what Invisible Illness is like. Even the people closest to you may not know you have those ailments. Or to what extent.

And she wasn’t being mean about it; she was just really surprised that I would even say I had {embarrassing thing}.

But I do! And I do a pretty good job of hiding it, too, apparently.

And crap. I’ve just realized I need to say what the embarrassing thing is. After all, if I can write about all this other stuff, and I’m all about telling our truths and whatnot, I have to say it.

Okay.

Here goes.

The thing my SIL doesn’t realize I have.

It’s…

*gulp*

facial hair.

There I said it. I get facial hair. (My paternal grandmother, RIP, had a full-on mustache. I don’t. I pluck and tweeze so I don’t have one.)

So there you go. Invisible Illness is the same. We sufferers try to hide it. Or try not to talk about it, when we should. Which is what I’m doing with this here challenge. (Tho I can’t promise I won’t mention facial hair again.)

Or, as The Bloggess herself says: Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not real. (And I implore you to go read that post.) After all, you can’t see the wind, but it’s real, and can cause real devastation.

And as she says: “Pain is real, whether it’s from depression or anxiety or arthritis or one of the many invisible illnesses that don’t easily show themselves but still exist and have to be treated, and – more importantly – have to be believed in order to be treated.”

It’s real, y’all. You can’t see it, but it’s all-too-real.

(And for the record, I probably would have kicked that lady The Bloggess talks about in her lady junk. Cuz she totally deserved it.)

… truth-telling

dsavannah_defects_noballsSo, this is kind of difficult for me to write about, but I will.

For “U”, I wrote a lovely little ode to the United States Virgin Islands, where I lived with my family when I was a kid. And one of my faithful readers/fellow bloggers commented “What an awesome childhood you must have had!”

And that made me stop. and reflect. And I felt sort of a knife in my stomach, because … overall, my childhood sucked.

And it occurred to me that I had written a bit of an untruth in my ode to the USVI. I left off all the bad parts. I showed you that picture of my grandmother and I, but I didn’t tell you how my heart truly broke in a million pieces when my grandparents went back home from visiting us. How to this day, I feel the visceral, heart-wrenching-ness of that leave-taking.

I left off how isolated I felt. How I had no friends. How poor we were. How angry my dad got regarding that accident. The real reason we moved from one side of the island to another.

And although what I shared was true, every bit, and I had part of my childhood in an idyllic place, I didn’t share the whole truth. And part of why I started this blog was to share the truth. My truth. To shine light into dark places and illuminate the bad so that people know they aren’t alone in their struggles.

So, did I lie in that post? Did I mislead? Did I injure anyone with that tale?

No. Yes. No Sortof. Myself.

The angst I felt was so strong, I even had to talk to my therapist about it. And she said I need to learn to change how I respond to myself. That I don’t need to feel guilty for portraying the good moments. That I’m not betraying everything that happened by thinking about, and sharing, the good things.

That it’s okay to come up with something beautiful.

Maybe that will sink in after I tell it to myself a few thousand times.

… Black Hat Day

Me in a grey hat. Check out the turtle art just to the left of my head. :)

Me in a grey hat. Check out the turtle art just to the left of my head. :)

I have written a LOT about Terry Pratchett, who is one of my Very Favorite Authors.

One of his “trademarks”, if you will, was that he would wear a black hat to signings.

He writes somewhere (I can’t remember where right now; forgive me), that he didn’t really mean to start wearing a black hat all the time. It just sort of happened. He would show up at signings and they’d say: “Where’s your hat?” Like the hat was more important than the author underneath it.

So, he started wearing it everywhere. And in his honor, some fans have started “Black Hat Day“, which is simply that all fans wear a black hat on his birthday, in remembrance of him.

Although I personally love hats, I have a very odd-shaped head, or it’s too small, or something, because I look odd in hats. But, for your viewing pleasure, I’m sharing a photo I took of myself today wearing my grey (not black) hat.

In celebration of The Creator’s life and work… And in sadness at his passing.

PS. Don’t forget you have a couple days left to enter my giveaway to win one of three of his book.

More ramblings / other posts you might want to read...

dSavannah

About dSavannah

~ disabled #spoonie fighting numerous, chronic, painful #InvisibleIllnesses ~ when my brain & body cooperate: #writer #editor #artist & #bibliophile ~ also #feminist #ally
This entry was posted in #AtoZchallenge2016, #dSavannahDefects, abuse, age, childhood, depression, family, giving to others, health, history, learning, making a difference, memory, mental illness, shining a light, the dark places. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to #dSavannahDefects – X is for…

  1. Elaine LeDoux says:

    I personally think you look adorable in hats…very sophisticated. I must agree that you have every right to allow those good memories out and talk about them without denying there was lots of bad stuff. Thankfully you have those good memories. Love you!

  2. Pamela says:

    beautiful post with incredible honesty. I agree with Elaine, you look fab in that hat.

  3. Betsy says:

    We all are perfectly fine with your “cheating”. Thanks for sharing your truths. I agree with everyone else. You look xceptional in the hat. ;).

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